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Showing posts from 2017

Don’t go 2017!

New Years  A time of reflection. A time of celebration. A time of joy and a time of sorrow.  I approach 2018 with so many mixed emotions.  This year has been hell on Earth. The pain and heartache of losing Xavier will forever be how we remember 2017.  But leaving this year and starting anew fills me with an overwhelming sadness. To say goodbye to this awful year is to also say goodbye to the last year I will ever see Xavier alive. He lived in 2017. I have memories we made together in 2017.  Next year I will have none. He will not lived a day in 2018.  New Year’s is one more piercing stab of reality he is gone.  2017 was the worst year of my life, yet I want to hang onto it forever.  Hidden within the brokenness of 2017 was also a year of immeasurable growth: growth in my faith, my spirituality and my awareness of who I really am.  I lost my son and found insight. Things I had been searching for in my life and trying to make sense of suddenly became clear.  I found

Hope in the Force

A deeper meaning in the Last Jedi As the hype grows hot for the new Star Wars movie The Last Jedi, my heart grows sad. The movie, which premiered in LA this weekend, comes to local theatres on Thursday.  Seeing the new Star Wars movies has kinda been a thing for our family. Before having kids, it was an automatic date night for Mark and I (and I really enjoyed the added romance between Anakin and Padme). Then when we had kids, especially a boy who grew to love the original Star Wars just as much as his dad, going to the movies to see the newest one became an "event". Mark and Xavier would brave the crowds to go during opening weekend, then about a week later Mackenzie and I would go with the boys (because they are that good to see them twice in one week!)  But months before the movie was even in theatres we talked about going. When the trailer for the trailer would come out we would all get excited and then watch the trailers over and over again online. It a

Shoes

The following poem was read at the Evening of Remembrance at McMaster Children's Hospital in September. It really stuck with me and so simply explains my life now... Shoes Author Unknown I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some ha

I lost my child and myself

Who Am I? When I lost my son, I lost me too. We are less than a week away from the six-month point. Soon we will have lived half a year without Xavier, yet it doesn't even seem possible. Time is not the same when you are grieving. It's like it doesn't even exist. Everyday feels like it was just yesterday we said goodbye. I have lost track of any linear timeframe of events and couldn't tell you what happened a month ago. Time does matter because time to me is only a painful reminder of how long I have lived without and likely have to live before I see my sweet boy again. I honestly don't know how I have made it this far. To imagine I could endure so much pain for half a year and still survive is a testament to our God and his presence in my life. Without his strength helping me make it through each day, I would not still be here. I am tired of feeling so much pain. I am losing patience with myself now. Half a year seems like a lot of time, but t

It's Halloween: Diary of a Grieving Mom

October 31, 2017 At 7:30 a.m. I was already crying. Seeing Mackenzie's excitement about today struck a chord. As much as I wanted to feel her excitement, I could only feel sadness. Xavier loved Halloween. Together he and Mackenzie would plan for weeks even months about Halloween. Xavier loved to dress up in general and he couldn't contain himself on a day dedicated to dressing up. He would go online searching for costumes over and over again. He would pick one then change his mind again. By the time the day actually came, we had already bought him multiple costumes to choose from. I miss watching the two of them get ready and then parade around the house showing off their costumes. And it wasn't just the costumes either. He loved to decorate the house inside and out. While Mark took care of carving pumpkins with the kids, Xavier and I would always take a trip to the dollar store for lots of creepy decorations. He would have his hands full in seconds. I couldn't brin

Missing you...

I miss watching you play, so I looked at a picture of you playing.  I miss hearing the sound of your toys, so I went to your room and turned on your light sabre.  I miss hearing your sweet voice and contagious laugh, so I watched a video of you.  I miss your goodnight kisses and holding you in my arms, so I cried.  Your touch can never be replaced. A picture, a video, a memory will never suffice. Nothing compares to the physicality of running my fingers through your soft, thick hair or kissing your warm, sweet cheeks or holding your sweaty little hand. I am learning to cope without you, moment by moment, day by day, but I still can't get past not having you here to touch. To feel your warmth radiate through me as we slept side by side as you neared the end. To rub your aching back or tickle your feet to see that amazingly beautiful smile of yours. I am trying to learn how to feel you in my heart, but just as grief is a process so too is learning to live with you in my hea

"Mad-Sad"

Anger! The young girl Tip from the Disney movie Home gets it.   As the term suggests, it's when you get angry but deep underneath you are sad.  In the movie, Tip is sad when she was separated from her mother by aliens when they invaded Earth. When Oh discovers what is underneath her anger, he says, “You are mad-sad”. What appears to be anger is really sadness and grief for her loss. My grief, my sadness is the eye of a hurricane and around it swirls many other emotions capable of serious damage if managed improperly. Lately, anger has been encircling my pain.  Anger is an uncomfortable feeling for me as I am not usually one to anger. It takes a lot to get me fired up and I typically try to diffuse anger in others because it's scary and unpredictable. A control thing likely for me. But I am angry. I am not angry at anyone in particular, just life in general. I get angry when I do something new or old where Xavier should have been with us. My anger seeps out when I rea

He will be remembered

Xavier Hayden Garrett was shy and hated being centre of attention. But he would be friends with anyone - most often the kids who really didn't have or make friends easily.  He didn't need to make a big difference on a big scale. He made a big impact in a small group. His legacy is not known far and wide, yet the impact he had on those    special people reaches far and wide in their hearts. The world has forgotten him, but those people will not. He changed them forever filling them with a light that shone so bright within himself. Xavier was so true to himself. He never tried to be anyone but who he was and everything he did was consistent with his Being. Some people never get there. But he did and with everything he endu red he never wanted pity.   The world will forget him. Many people will forget the boy named Xavier who died of brain cancer. But to those who loved him and who he had a special place for in his heart will never forget.  As days, months and years pass, the

Hey! I noticed the flowers

This week as I approached my counsellor's front porch, I noticed a beautiful purple potted Mum sitting by the stairs. It had so many little flowers that together they made up a great big ball of purple flowers. I couldn't help but comment on the beauty of this Mum when he came to the door to greet me.  Seems like a silly thing to write about, I know. But the memory of those flowers came back to me and that's when I realized their significance.  In that moment I had been still enough to feel the beauty of nature. A heart-warming feeling of joy arose in my noticing these flowers. Simple yet profound.  There was a peace about me in that moment that I could feel joy through a plant. It reminds how we truly are connected to everything because everything is connected to God's love. I feel blessed by this moment and it gives me hope that I will have more joyful moments where I am still enough and at peace enough in a world without my beloved son.  It really is

A new worldview

When my son died of brain cancer, things changed...  Disclaimer: Maybe I explain these things to myself this way because subconsciously I cannot accept defeat. Or maybe I am just trying to make sense of what cannot humanly be understood. Whatever it is, these are my thoughts, my crazy internal monologue, that bring me some peace as I grieve my son's death. Please don't judge.  Since you’ve been gone… I have not lived in fear.  For many months, even years before you died, my prayer was simple: Dear God, please take away my fear in exchange for strength. I said these words every night when I went to bed never knowing if tomorrow – or the next day or the next day - would be the last with my son.   Fear was often what kept us going. It was a blessing in disguise, but also a difficult way to live. As Xavier grew more and more tired of being sick, I grew tired of being scared. Fear of his death had gripped our family for so long. It never allowed us to fully relax or for

Memories of love

What is life all about? Love and that love is locked into our memories we make. And the best part about this lifelong secret is that it doesn't matter where or what your circumstance, you have the power to make memories full of love. We did a lot of things as a family and went a lot of places and enjoyed some awesome vacations. But now in hindsight when we think of the love we shared, the best memories, the most special times together were right at home. If I can give any advice to anyone, is that don't make a big deal about where or how you make those memories. The true love you find in those memories are not something you can create with a trip somewhere or a new toy.  The quiet moments reading together in bed, suppers together and Xavier being at home being Xavier are the memories closest to my heart. They were authentic.  I have written more words since xavier died than I think I had written in 7 years. These words are my heart on paper and are pouring out. I do b

No guarantees

I did it again. I went to google looking for answers to my questions. There is an explanation for everything out there, but whether or not I believe one over the other is up for debate. I first watched a speech by a bereaved sibling at The Compassionate Friends conference in Orlando this week. It is an organization for people who have lost a child. It was an inspiring speech of how the death has ignited positive growth within individuals who embrace it. The overarching theme was that love lasts forever. The most impactful thing this young woman said was life is not measured by the number of years, worth or by what we do. It is simply the love we experience and how that love never goes away as it always in our hearts and connected to the memories of our loved ones. They live within our hearts so that they can continue living and experiencing everything we do. They only get the chance to experience through the eyes of so many others and not in a single, self-centred way we do in our bod

Diary of a Grieving Mom: Sick with emotion

July 26 I can't keep track of time. For some reason I have been stuck back in the middle of July but somehow time keeps moving forward.  Lately it's the little things that get me ... like having the last kind of ice cream Xavier ever ate. He wasn't well when he had it but he still enjoyed what he could of it.  No kid should ever have to have their last ice cream at 7 years old.  Then the sad thought that when Mackenzie comes home from a night at her grandparents that Xavier won't be coming home with her. He hasn't just been gone for a visit. He is gone forever.  July 27 How do you choose God what child will get cancer and die? If you have our lives planned our paths already laid out how do you pick... do you ask them before they come to earth? Do you give them a choice at time of death? I don't understand how such a loving God could allow so many children sick and die. I get that it is a much bigger picture and everything matters and is connecte

A crashing awakening

I have attempted in making sense of what's in my mind, my heart, in writing recently with little success.  This skill I thought I had for perfectly pairing words to make beautiful lines of symmetry have become a multi-vehicle pileup on 401 near Woodstock.  Words and thoughts colliding with each other in every direction and spinning out of control only to come to rest in places not meant to be driven.  And as this mess inside my head ensues, it slows every other function of my body. Much like the ensuing traffic jam after the crash. But somewhere, somehow, life goes on and traffic flows on other roads much like the lives of those around me. I am stuck in this misery, but it's only on one highway - mine.  See I have already veered off in a direction and travelled much further than had intended when I started this drive. There has been a slow transformation happening within me since Xavier died. I did not realize it until recently reflecting on these changes inside me. 

Hauntings

July 22 Last night I woke up around Xaver's time of death. I was jolted awake my a memory. It was within the last three or four months of his life when Xavier came to me and told me about a recurring dream he was having. He had it before in 2015 when he relapsed and came home after being very sick. He explained to me how we were all walking together as a family, but there were big holes in the ground everywhere. He told me with fear that he fell into one of those holes and the rest of us kept walking. I am not sure the significance or whether he told me this or not but I always associate the colour purple with this dream. He remembered the dream from the last time he had it so vividly. It scared me to hear him have this nightmare again. I assured him we would never just leave him and walk away without him. I wish I had said more, validated this dream - this telling of his future that was in his heart and mind. He was being prepared for his own death, but I was too scared to ackno

Diary of a Grieving Mom: If only Google had the answers

Date Unknown I am struggling so much these days  I am so lost and empty without you here Xavier. My life will never be complete without you. I want so much to spiritually connect with you ... to feel you somehow that I know I haven't completely lost you. I know you had to go, you couldn't live in the body you had. You needed to be free and that's why I let you go. But I miss you more than words. To have made you suffer more to stay with me would have been selfish, but I really didn't want to see you go.  So much pain ... beyond just what I feel, but how I feel for Mark and Mackenzie and our extended families  and friends who knew him well . I need to do something to honour your memory. You taught me so many amazing things about life, about childhood cancer and emotions.  I just don't know what yet.  What's the purpose of going through this Hell if I am not going to do something with the things I have learned from it all.  The pain is still so intense.