Monday, 5 June 2017

Living without You: Diary of a grieving Mom (2)

PART 2

Today is your 8th birthday! It is the first birthday Mackenzie will celebrate without her twin brother.
On May 31, 2009, two beautiful babies entered the world. For seven years we celebrated your birthdays together. Today I celebrate with one here and one in Heaven. Today I can only give one of my babies their birthday hugs and kisses. It just doesn't feel right. Half of you is missing.

It hurts beyond words that I can't hug or kiss you and tell you happy birthday. You left too soon and my heart aches for you every day. I would give anything to hold you again. To see your sweet smile and hear your voice even if all you said was poop! 
I love you Xavier. We miss you so much. 
I ask God for strength every night to get through the next day without you. 
The joy you brought to this family is irreplaceable.
At times I feel like I can't go on. I can't live without you and will never get through this. If I could ask God for anything it would be that I could visit you or you could visit me. Why must we be separated until I die. I know you are in my heart but it doesn't replace the you I knew here on earth. 
I am always waiting to see you. Waiting to hear your voice see a sign or feel your touch. 
Things seem so hard to remember right now. I have only silly little memories and feelings of you until Something reminds me of you. Like last nights supper full of your favs ...broccoli carrots and cucumbers! 
Your cute wiggle and head nod when you sang I am sexy and I know it! 
I loved reading with you. You were such a great little reader. Your pigeon books were my fav when you read them to me. 



Eulogy: You were always an angle sent from heaven on the day you were born. An angel who chose us. Sent here to take the name Xavier. You were given the sweetest smile and bluest of eyes that when we looked into them I could see your beautiful old soul. 
I knew you were special. Too special too perfect for this life on earth. There was something different about, a feeling a connection that just can't be explained. I know now it's because you weren't just a boy, you were an angel sent from God to bless our family. You had a purpose and accomplished all you were meant to do to be in that short 7 years. 

You were a boy who knew what you wanted and weren't afraid to say it. I will always remember your love of shoes and how you were my personal fashion consultant. You would tell it to my straight if my outfit looked good or not ... I took direction from you because I knew you knew better. You were not shy to tell me you didn't like my dark hair. Lol 

The things you said were not something a typical 7 would say. I could talk to you on a deeper level deeper than anyone else on this earth. 

We let the arms of a community wrap around you for you to experience so much of the world in such a short time. We didn't let it stop us from showing you off and sharing special time with so many people. You brought some of them to us for strength and support and will forever be our friends. You wanted more than you could have here and it would have been selfish to keep you here. Instead we let you fly the way you could on earth until you couldn't and set you free to heaven where you can do everything you want to do. From babysitters to teachers to doctors and therapists you made a mark on their hearts. It is truly amazing how many hearts you stole in you short life and leaves such and impact a legacy behind. 

I can't believe you are gone. I don't want to believe you are gone. I try not to think of all the things I can't feel or do or hear with you as the pain and heartache is unbearable. To never hear you say I love you or have you take my hand brings me tears I cannot stop. But I have our special memories and feelings in my heart. I remember how you said that's a hustle sweetheart from the bunny in Zootopia. It was the most adorable thing ever and you were so shy to do it but when you did it brought so much joy to us. 

Hope is not lost now that you are gone. Xavier's Hope means so much more than I had initially thought. Hope stretches beyond our physical presence. 
The hope we had when Xavier was still alive has only changed shape as did his body. 
We have hope he is in paradise enjoying everything he wasn't able to do here. We have hope we will see him again. And hope that a cure is found so that no child no family will have to go through what he did. We have hope in renewed relationships with my husband and daughter all because of Xavier. 
I have hope that someday we will feel joy again. 

I feel like I was just getting started to know you to really know you. I still feel there was so much I didn't know. I wanted to be in your head to know what made you scared and how you really thought about your cancer. I will never know what you wanted to be when you grew up, if you would marry Cari. 

June 1: Moving day is tomorrow. Today was hard. I couldn't help but cry at so many things like the rug I remember you lying on crying as you tried so hard to get up off the floor yourself and couldn't. I saw that day how much you were suffering. I laid on that spot today and cried for you Xavier. I ran my hand over the carpet where your tears dropped. 
Then we finally had to unmake your bed... the spot where you lived and died. I held your pillow crying. I wished so much that it was you I was holding. 
Leaving this house ... the last place you were and ever will be rips me apart. 
Your full belly laughs are sealed in these walls, your secrets to your sister locked in the floorboards. 
I refuse to think that it's only the three of us going to our new house. You have to come too. I will hold your hand or carry you like I always did through the front door of the new place even if I can't feel you in my arms. I want you there. It won't be home until I know you are there. 



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